He Eats Ridiculously Slowly

I returned from tennis today to find Jacob sitting at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal and two pieces of toast. I had only a brief bit of time before I needed to get to class so I poured myself some cheerios and milk and quickly began consuming. As I enjoyed my brief breakfast/lunch he merely sat there staring off into space. In the fifteen minutes it had taken me to change, get cereal, get milk, finish my food and drink, wash off my bowl and cup, and put them in the dishwasher he had finished just one piece of toast!

How does he do this?! Rather than behaving like the food chain king that humans are he instead acts like a kitten who is not fully enthralled with the flavor of catnip being offered on today's menu. The kitten nibbles slowly but wanders away mid-meal on multiple occasions, as apparently the food was incapable of capturing his attention for a duration longer than several minutes. Instead, shinier objects like his computer or Jeremiah's eyes seem to draw him away from his digestive process further exacerbating his already precipitously slow chewing rate.

I've included a brief chart to illustrate the torpidity of his eating habits. Normally, such a problem would not be overly troublesome but the degree of his slowness inhibits our suite's and friends' ability to eat out without dedicating substantial time to allow Jacob to fully digest his meal. I was so distraught sophomore year that I nearly burst into tears when his three hours spent nibbling his pasta dish at the Cheese Cake Factory caused us to miss the last showing of Stomp the Yard.

The only benefit of his soporific eating style is that it allows me to occasionally move his food whilst he consumes it. As his attention meanders, I jump in and relocate a utensil, a cup, a plate, or even the entire toaster. I've hidden several items in the cupboard, the freezer and my anus as part of an ongoing effort to break him of such tendencies. But alas; such attempts have failed to alter his habits and I am left bewildered as to how he lives in such a manner.