He Doesn't Eat Bacon

Another thing that bothers me about Jacob is the fact that he won't eat bacon. I think I can speak for most of us when I say that bacon is man's finest concoction, his one entry in the annals of intergalactic cuisine. Unlike other meats, it has a perfect crisp texture. When you bite into it, it responds with a satisfying crunch. Yet as you hold it in your mouth, it is tender and juicy.

That's what she said.

Jacob, however, claims that it is against his religion to eat bacon. He says that Jews are supposed to keep "kosher." Well, I once asked all my other Jewish friends if they had ever heard of kosher and they said they were allowed to eat whatever they want. When I returned to question Jacob, he insisted that it was all in the Torah. He then brought out a worn old book and pointed out the passage which forbid the consumption of bacon. I just nodded my head. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was actually reading Green Eggs and Ham. It's not nice to question the illiterate.

Still, I stayed up late for many nights wondering why he persisted in this facade. I knew it wasn't beyond Jacob to totally make something up and pretend it was part of his religion. After all, he also claims that his habit of pooping on the kitchen floor is part of his religion. That's also a lie, but at least I understand where he's coming from. Sometimes you just don't want to walk all the way to the toilet. But what does he care for pigs? Then it hit me. Look at the picture of Jacob below and you will see what I mean.


Jacob preparing for his Tuesday afternoon show at the strip club.

Suddenly it all made sense. He feels a kinship towards pigs because they are the only animals as ugly and dirty as he is. Thus he refuses to eat bacon. I know he wants to have some. Whenever I cook bacon, he starts panting and rolling around on the ground from the smell. Yet he persists in claiming that eating it would violate the codes of Judaism. I could almost admire him for his sacrifice if I didn't think that his refusal to eat bacon had seriously warped his personality. Alas, it has.