He Can't Walk Straight

This flaw is a more subtle aspect of Jacob's failed existence. While he does not exhibit a limp or a hitch of any kind in his walk, he is unable to maintain walking in a straight line. Short distances are fine--he gets across the kitchen and living room without losing his way--but over longer distances the problem becomes severe.

Let me further clarify before I begin illustrating with examples. His path is not that of a drunkard; it is not a random walk with him alternating directions. This tendency to meander is also unprovoked and not the product of an inhibiting substance. Rather is is just Jacob being Jacob.

On multiple occasions I've been walking with Jacob to or from class discussing various things, like the proper way to make a cake. However, while we're walking he unconsciously starts walking in a slight angle. If the direction is away from me I simply follow his lead in hopes that his meandering will lead him into an obstruction of some sort (so far he's hit one stop sign, three other students, and a tree). If he drifts diagonally towards me though, then problems arise.

The awkward act of him bumping into me is not that jarring or injurious, but rather it's as if he's a kitten seeking attention or affection and therefore deciding to rub up against my leg. The problem however is that a.) my legs are moving b.) I am completely uninterested in petting or feeding him and c.) there's a 17% chance he'll try and cop a feel. When you catch a pet misbehaving you're supposed to grab it by the scruff of its neck and tell it "NO!" in an authoritative voice. I've opted to not perform such an action because although it would be sufficiently demeaning to Jacob, it would only act to draw further attention to an already awkward moment.

Instead what I've chosen to do is slap him upside the head (similar to but not the same as a pimp slap), which has deterred, but not eliminated such behavior. Thus I've now begun carrying a can of axe body spray that I use as a tamer form of mace to ensure that Jacob walks at least an arms length away from me. Such a deterrent leaves his face only moderately irritated and even leaves him smelling sexy...well...sexy only to the few dozen hookers and hordes of frat guys who actually think axe smells sexy.

Dish Update:
The threat of axe punishment has now been utilized to ensure Jacob puts his plates in the dish washer as I successfully caught him red-handed today. That silly tramp.